Humor

Best New Jokes: March 23, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A DRINKIN’ MAN

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, “Sure it’s up to yourself, but wouldn’t you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they’ll be fresh and cold.”

“‘Nah…” the man says, “I’m preferrin’ that ye bring ’em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I’m here. We agreed before we split up that we’d drink to each other’s honor this way.”

“Well,” says the bartender, “that’s a grand thing to do, all right. I’ll bring the pints as you ask.”

Well, time goes on and the man’s peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, “Here’s your pints…and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?”

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

“Oh, no, no, no! ‘Tis nothing like that. You see, I’ve given up drinking for Lent”


ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND IN INSURANCE FORMS

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

5. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

6. An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

7. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.


WHAT IS EASTER?

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is – “What is Easter”?

The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful.”

“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question – “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust, and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight

Then the third blonde continues … “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!”


WIDOW TALK

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm’. ‘Mutual orgasm’ here, and ‘mutual orgasm’ there, that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?” Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”


ANAGRAMS

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.


WISDOM OF THE AGES

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29”.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your privates for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thinks, ‘What the hell’ and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds!”


A LITTLE SOUTHERN HUMOR

After having their eleventh child, a Tennessee couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tennessee), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tennessean said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.” So, the couple drove to Kentucky to get a second opinion. The Kentucky physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 – at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, West Virginia, Oklahoma, and parts of Indiana.

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