Humor

Best New Jokes: March 18, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Did you know…

The very first St. Patrick’s Day parade was not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737!

In Chicago, on St. Patrick’s Day, the rivers are dyed green!

Nine of the people who signed our Declaration Of Independence were of Irish origin, and nineteen presidents of the United States proudly claim Irish heritage including our first President, George Washington!

In Seattle, there is a ceremony where a green stripe is painted down the roads!

Without the Irish, the entire US AA could fit into a single phone booth.


RULE #1

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


AN OCEAN OF BEER

Two Irishmen were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”


RULE #10

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.


THREE IRISH BROTHERS

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”


RULE #7

When you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?


WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN?

An Irishman is a man who…

May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.

Won’t eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.

Has great respect for the truth, he uses it in emergencies.

Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be.

Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.

Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for his countryman.

Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.

Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood.

Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn’t exercise it himself.

Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.

Scorns money, but worships those who have it.

Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.


RULE # 11

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.


THE O’CONNOR HANDICAP

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O’Connor,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”


RULE 23

If you’ve always wanted to be somebody, maybe you should have been more specific.


GOLFING IN IRELAND

One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?”

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.