BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you’re dead.
NOTE: Read more Irish proverbs below
LOST AT SEA
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
If you think there is good in everybody
you haven’t met everybody.
IRELANDS SPACE PROGRAM
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.”
“That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,” we’re going to put a man on the sun.” “Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”
“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”
May you live as long as you want,
and never want as long as you live.
DID YOU KNOW?
The very first St. Patrick’s Day parade was not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737!
In Chicago, on St. Patrick’s Day, the Chicago River is dyed green!
Nine of the people who signed our Declaration of Independence were of Irish origin, and nineteen presidents of the United States proudly claim Irish heritage including our first President, George Washington!
In Seattle, there is a ceremony where a green stripe is painted down the roads!
May the grass grow long
on the road to hell for want of use.
As you slide down the banisters of life
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
THREE IRISH BROTHERS
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”
Time is a great story teller.
TO BE IRISH
You may not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.
You won’t eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.
You have great respect for the truth, and use it in emergencies.
You see things not as they are but the way they never will be.
You get more Irish the further you get from Ireland.
You will never play professional basketball
You swear very well
At least one of your cousins holds political office
You think you sing very well
You have no idea how to make a long story short
You are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
You have never hit your head on the ceiling
You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
Youre strangely poetic after a few beers
Many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary…and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
You don’t know the words but that doesn’t stop you from singing
“Irish Stew” is the euphemism for “boiled leftovers from the fridge”
You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency
There wasn’t a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party
You are, or know someone, named “Murph”
If you don’t know Murph, then you know “Mac”
If you don’t know Murph or Mac, then you know “Sully”
You’ll probably also know Sully McMurphy
You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
Your attention span is so short that—oh, forget it.
If you do not sow in the spring
you will not reap in the autumn.
THE O’CONNOR HANDICAP
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Connor,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “You should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
It is not a secret
if it is known by three people.
GOLFING IN IRELAND
One fine day in Ireland, a bloke is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”
The golfer says “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”
The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?”
The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”
The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?”
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?”
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
Put silk on a goat,
and it’s still a goat.
MURPHY MEETS HIS MAKER
After a long illness, An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said..”I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room where his son had been waiting for him.
Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I’ve got cancer and have been given a short time to live, so let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy said, “The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we’re drinking to my impending end. I’ve only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
Murphy’s friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion…..”Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS?”
Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
As the big hound is,
so will the pup be.
AN IRISH TOAST
A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”
She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! And he fell asleep both times.
When the liquor was gone
the fun was gone.
THE WEE FOLK
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. “Well, how can I help you wee folk?” asked mother superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says mother superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, No,” replied mother superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then mother superior, in all of NunDom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?’
“No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied mother superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about?”
The first leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, its as I told you all along, you’ve been dating a Penguin”
Your mind operates best when it is open.
And it will open only as wide as the smallest thing that offends it.
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
There is this young Irish girl who emigrated to Liverpool, and had trouble finding gainful employment.
So she became a prostitute, and was extremely successful at it. She made lots of money, and regularly sent some back home to her dear old mother back in County Tyrone.
After a few years she decided it’s time to go home and pay her dear old mother a visit. But, on the boat on the way over she get very concerned about what she’ll tell her mother about her new career.
Eventually she decided there’s no point in lying about it and that she’ll tell her mother the truth, and throw herself on her mercy.
She arrived back home in the little village in County Tyrone, and her dear old mother was just overcome to see her again. Ah darlin’ its just wonderful to see you again, and lookin’ so nice an all.
And sendin’ me all this money all this time. Tell me, darlin what have you been doin to earn all this money?
“Well mother, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I became a prostitute!”
Mother went white, clutched at her breast, and collapsed in a heap on the floor. The others in the pub bought her a couple of shots of John Jamieson’s, and staggered back on her feet.
She faced her daughter. “Tell me again darlin I want to hear you say it again, so I cant be sure I heard you right.”
The girl says: “Yes mother, I said that I became a prostitute!”
The old girl heaved a huge sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from her brow and says: “Ah Jasus – tank the Lord for that. I tought for a minute there I heard you say you’d become a Protestant!”
SUDDENLY SENIOR TIP OF THE WEEK
If your annual income in 2005 is less than $12,919 ($17,320 for couples), you may be eligible for a Medicare drug discount card with low-income assistance (also called “transitional assistance”). With transitional assistance, the government will pay the card’s annual fee and 90 to 95 percent of your drug costs, up to a maximum of $600 in 2005. If you wait until April to apply for a card, the benefit will be reduced to $450. (The benefit will be reduced by $150 every quarter of 2005.) Call 800-MEDICARE (800-633-4227) or visit www.medicare.gov for more on transitional assistance.
Find out whether you qualifie for a state assistance program that could provide you with ongoing assistance to pay for your medications or other programs that could provide deep discounts once the $600 runs out.
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