Humor

Best New Jokes: March 12, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SPECIAL CHURCH EDITION


VATICAN HUMOR

After getting Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the limo driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German)

‘Please slow down, your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop..

The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’



OLDIE, BUT GOODIE

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”



ONCE A BAPTIST, ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.”

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.” .



THE MAGIC COW

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”



THE 3 RELIGIOUS TRUTHS (REPETITION IS GOOD FOR YOU!)

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.



LITTLE LEROY WANTS A BIKE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.

She said, “Well, Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write to Jesus and pray for one instead.”

After his tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. Then, he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:

Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:

Dear Jesus, I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again:

Dear Jesus, I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at the statue in the foyer.

All of a sudden he grabbed it and ran out of the church. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You Know Who



SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD”.

The Pastor said “SEX!” The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”



WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when CAN we see the baby?”

“WHEN IT CRIES!” she told them.

“WHEN IT CRIES??” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??”

“BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it…”



PAROCHIAL JOKE

In Parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin… However, Instructors also advise that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the Truth differently without lying… Below is a perfect example of those Teachings… Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs… An attractive young Woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I Ask a favour?’ ‘Of course child… What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought my Mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday… It is Unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate It… Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it Under your robes perhaps?’ ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn You, I will not lie.’**** ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will Question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first… The Official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of My head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought This answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your Waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father… Next!’****



GOOD SHORT CATHOLIC JOKES

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,
whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

————————————————————————-

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through
their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the
priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

————————————————————————-

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above
Timothy Murphy in all respects.

————————————————————————-

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew
that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who
would become the next Pope.

————————————————————————-

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

————————————————————————-

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn
that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

————————————————————————-

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even
with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

————————————————————————-

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”

————————————————————————-

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply.

————————————————————————-

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought
of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!



THE BIBLE SALESMAN

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles..

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, he asked “And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s 280 dollars I collected.”

The reverend responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?”

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.. “What is this?” the reverend exclaimed.
“Louie, there’s 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the reverend agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”


AH, THE IRISH

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

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