Humor

Best New Jokes: March 11, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE CURE

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. The same thing happens

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or, are you going crazy?”

The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him and says, “Ragweed and Pepper.”


LOTS OF GOOD READING, GREAT LAUGHS

If you like trivia, (really) odd facts, excuses for being the way you are, senior jokes (100s of them!), nostalgia (all about the good old days, both remembered and imagined), practical matters like How to Survive a Heart Attack When You’re Alone, ways to know that you’re growing older (and not what you think), stuff of interest from the cute (A Child’s View of Retirement) to the sublime (Proof the Power of Prayer Works), go to the mostly new, completely revised Suddenly Senior “Other Good Stuff.”


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your fringe to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN


COMMIE JOKE

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history, were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun to set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”

To which the professor of psychology said, “Yes. I think they’re from the wicker chairs.”


BAD PUN NO. 1

Two boll weevils grew up in Texas. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


DEAR TECH SUPPORT:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It coul also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby…Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).



BAD PUN NO. 2

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


THE PARROT

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, “What’s the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son


BAD PUN NO. 3

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal’. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him ‘Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”


$10 IS $10

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars



BAD PUN NO. 4

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about and hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, one asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”


DEAR MANAGEMENT,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don’t get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely, The Management

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