Humor

Best New Jokes: March 1, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


ON BEING 104

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”


SEX: WORK OR PLAY?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.”

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?” So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

“Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!”

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ” My son, sex is definitely play.”

The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?”

The Rabbi softly speaks, “My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it.”


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


When Did You Start Talking to Yourself?

We know your little secret. Aren’t you a bit long in the tooth to be chatting with an imaginary friend? Isn’t talking to yourself a sign of insanity? Before the white-coat boys with nets start heading your way, read this.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.


AN IRISHMAN GETS HIS AFFAIRS IN ORDER

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. “You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. “Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or five pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “I don’t want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.”


The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.


NOT WORTH A BUCKET OF SPIT

Two weeks ago, the Bush family dog Spot had to be put to sleep. He was 15 years old and the President said they had to put him to sleep due to a series of heart problems over the years.

That’s got to make Dick Cheney kind of jumpy, huh?


Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it.


SIX SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.


WHAT PMS REALLY STANDS FOR…

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Midsection

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

…and the all-time favorite…

13. Potential Murder Suspect .


The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.


ROAD RAGE

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker and the chrome plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

In the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. “I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I’m rechecking my answers.”


When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.


ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he’d been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton.”

The marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton.” The marine again told the man, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here,”

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton.”

The marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I’ve told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here.? Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

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