Humor

Best New Jokes: June 4, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

TARZAN PRACTICES SAFE SEX

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, a during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,… Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,… but I will show you how to do it
properly.”

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. “Here,” she said, “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees”


THE INTELLECTS

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”

To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes and I think it’s these pesky wicker chairs.”


25 TOP COUNTRY SONGS EVER

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.

17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.

16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.

14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over
You.

13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles.

2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number One Country and Western song of all Time is…

1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few.


THEY FINALLY RELEASED THE INGREDIENTS IN VIAGRA:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
92% Fix-A-Flat



LIFE REFLECTIONS

1
. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

4. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

7. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

8. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are O. K, then it must be you.

9. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said; “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too,”



CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in New York son. When we pull you over, you’d better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here. The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy,

“I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!”


THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the ax of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus with
the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.”

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian can have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


AND FINALLY, THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes into a Tim Horton’s in Oshawa, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds apeel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, “I WON! I WON!I WON A motor home; I WON a motor home!”

The waitress runs over and says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away is a minivan!”

The blonde replies, “No, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!”

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”

Again the blonde says, “No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!” The blonde handed the prize ticket to the manager and he reads………..

“WIN A BAGEL”

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