BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
WHAT SEX ARE THEY?
ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL – female .. Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider this: it gives men pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” — A congressional candidate in Texas.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” — ExMayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend’s disease.
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
the peace of knowing one’s child
is an internist.
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann’s.
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I’ve done?
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
ALL ABOUT GOD
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is both male and female.”
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Dan Quayle
BETTER TO BE OLD AND CUNNING THAN YOUNG AND STRONG
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” — Lee Iacocca
Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, “Your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” — Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.”
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback sports analyst.
AND FINALLY, QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE ABOUT HMOs
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in 50 years
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Two good things from having Alzheimer’s disease:
1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You meet someone new every day
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