Humor

Best New Jokes: June 25, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE KNOB

A woman in her late 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The Dr. told her of a new procedure called “The Knob.” This small knob is planted on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”

Fifteen years later, the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years everything had been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I’ve loved the results.

But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First of all, I’ve got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She replied, “Well, I guess that explains the goatee.”


ALLIGATOR ALERT!

Due to the extreme drought in Florida, the following caution was issued: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


WHAT TO DO WITH THAT RECALCTRANT SON,
OR THE UNCLE WHO STAYS TOO LONG


HEALTH FOOD

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!”

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.

“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your darn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”



ALWAYS SOMETHING

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church, sits down in a confession box, and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knocking—there’s no paper in this one either.


MORE DEEP THOUGHTS FROM GEORGE CARLIN

01. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
02. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
03. How is it possible to have a civil war?
04. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
05. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
06. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
07. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
08. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
09. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
13. If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If you pull the wings off a fly, do you call it a walk?
16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?


HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared
for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.


MATH HELP

An executive was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”‘



THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE –
HORSEBACK-RIDING
BLONDE

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs her steed.

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