BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
HOW FATHER’S DAY CAME TO BE
Mrs. John B. Dodd, of Washington, first proposed the idea of a “father’s day” in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife (Mrs. Dodd’s mother) died in childbirth with their sixth child.
Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.
The first Father’s Day was observed on June 19, 1910 in Spokane Washington. At about the same time in various towns and cities across American other people were beginning to celebrate a “father’s day.”
In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father’s Day.
Finally in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father’s Day. Father’s Day has become a day to not only honor your father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and adult male friends are all honored on Father’s Day.
The best contraceptive for old people
GOING TO DISNEYWORLD
“Hey Grandpa!, Can you make a noise like a frog?”
“I think I can do that. Why?”
“‘Cuz Dad says when you croak, we’re going to Disneyworld”
Take everything in moderation.
First Child: Rush child to the emergency room. Spend the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second Child: Bandage the cut. Spend the next two hours rocking child to relieve the pain.
Third Child: Bandage the cut, tell child to go play.
Fourth Child: Bandage the cut.
The advice your son rejected
is now being given by him to your grandson.
A dad was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over two years old. They were discussing geography.
“Where does mommy live?”
“Where does grandma live?“
“Where does grandpa live?”
“And where does daddy live?”
He took the next day off to spend with his daughter.
Fathers often talk about the younger generations
as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.
TOP TEN THINGS DAD WILL NEVER SAY
10. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doohickey thingies, you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? No Big deal.
I used up all my sick days,
so I’m calling in dead.
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
That guy is so old he shops at
EXTREMELY OLD NAVY.
READ THE LABEL
Johnny went with his father to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.
“How do you know?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” Johnny replied, “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up,
he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father…
[Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
Don’t look back,
they might be gaining on you.
FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS
“A father is a banker provided by nature.”
– French Proverb.
“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
– English Proverb.
Mean fathers, wasteful sons.
– French Proverb
Some fathers love another man’s daughter most.
– French Proverb
My fathers planted for me, and I planted for my children.
– Hebrew Proverb
Friendship reminds us of fathers, love of mothers.
– Malagasy Proverb
There are many fathers, but only one mother.
– Russian Proverb
Victory has 100 fathers and defeat is an orphan.
– Traditional Proverb
The Pilgrim Fathers landed on the shores of America and fell on their knees; then they fell upon the aborigines.
– American Proverb
It’s not hard to meet expenses,
A TRIFECTA OF OUR FAVORITE FATHER’S DAY JOKES
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “no.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me.”
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun
NEW AND IMPROVED
Sally, aged 3, was sitting in her grandfather’s lap as he read her a good-night story.
From time to time, she would take her eye’s off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke, “Granddaddy, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh she said,” then “Granddaddy, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed honey” he assured her. “God made you just a little while ago.”
“Oh” she said. Feeling their respective faces again, Sally observed, “God’s getting better at it now isn’t he?”
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.
OUR FAVORITE DAD LINES
I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 5’8″ in height), why junk food is bad for you.
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
I don’t want buns of steel.
I want buns of cinnamon.
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