Humor

Best New Jokes: June 17, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

DRUNK & PISSORDERLY

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: ” We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…”.

The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, “We will never forget you”.



Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.


Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 min.


3 GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.



RICH BROTHER-IN-LAW

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “send the bill to my brother-in-law.”



Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.



BIKE RIDE

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix, Arizona, to Flagstaff, Arizona. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he were going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, “and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.”


Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?

A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.



NEWLYWEDS

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old geezer decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly. “Well,” she says, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”

The old geezer sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he asked, “Is that one word or two?”


HOGS

Dear Secretary of Agriculture:

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business myself next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 “not raised” hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send me any information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Elmer Q Fogbottom

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?



Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.


NEW WORDS FOR 2002

Essential word additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what is going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve made a MAJOR mistake.


Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?

A: A padded headboard.



Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can’t stand criticism.

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