Humor

Best New Jokes: June 16, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

AND GOD CREATED WOMAN….

A small, but growing, segment of society no longer believes that woman was
created from one of Adam’s ribs. They believe that Eve was created first.
They feel their account of life’s beginning on earth is more plausible. HERE
IT IS……

And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young. And God
spoke, saying to her, “Woman I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is
no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about
thee that thou would prefer differently?”

And Woman spoke, saying, “Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and
you have given me two glorious hands, arms, feet, legs…etc.. I do not need
but two breasts.” And God said, “Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee
with wisdom.”

There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done, and Woman stood there
holding her third breast in her hand. “What am I gonna do with this useless
boob?” Woman asked.

And so it was, that God created man.


WORLDS THINNEST BOOKS

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE’S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O. J. Simpson

And the World’s Number One Thinnest
book………………….

MY BOOK OF MORALS – by Bill Clinton


HUH?

One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
”Who drives you to the beach?


IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

….. But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and
doesn’t appear to realize you’ve set it free…

You either married it or gave birth to it.


PERSONNEL EVALUATION

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but
more definitely a won’t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change
whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the
better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t
watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
it together.

14. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.


MEN AND THEIR SPORTS

After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the
following results on America’s recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.

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