Humor

Best New Jokes: June 11, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SMALL, MEDIUM OR LARGE?

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for “small,” $6500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.”

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the Doctor.

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”



TWO BLONDES ARE BETTER THAN ONE?

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby ended. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, The couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”



THE RIGHT TARGET

A man woke up to find a gorilla in his backyard tree. He phoned the nearest S.P.C.A.

The service man arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.

The Chihuahua has been trained to go straight for his private parts. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on him.”

“Got it! But what’s the shotgun for?” asked the homeowner.

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the service man said, “Shoot the Chihuahua!”


THE GO-GO DANCER

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar.”

The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”



ONE BLONDE IS BETTER…?

Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at UCLA, sat in her U.S.Government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi thought a moment, then answered, “That was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.”



ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = there’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms


ONLY IN THE FILM BUSINESS!

Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which went great, Jerry couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing.

He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple that also seemed to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with
all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, “I’m only here for the music.”

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, “That’s okay, we’re just here to see our dog.”


AND FINALLY, AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE

The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn’t have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, ‘Just a moment please, I need to call in.’ The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

‘It’s not Ted Kennedy again is it?’ asks the chief.

‘No Sir!’ replies the trooper, ‘This guy’s more important.’

‘Is it the Governor?’ asks the chief.

‘No! Even more important!’ replies the trooper.

‘Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.

‘No! Even more important!’ replies the trooper.

‘Well WHO THE HECK is it?’ screams the chief.

‘I don’t know Sir.’ replies the trooper, ‘but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.’

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.