Humor

Best New Jokes: June 1, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


Ads seen in “The Villages” Florida newspaper:
Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?



WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar opened!”


FOXY LADY:


Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,

80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),

searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.

Matching white shoes and belt a plus.



HONEST ABE

Recently I was grading history tests for my fourth-grade class.

I’d included an extra-credit question: List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln.

One of my D students surprised me with this one: “After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show.”


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:


Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.



A FEW MORE

Birds of a feather flock together, and shit on your car.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down ’til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.


SERENITY NOW:


I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.



MEANWHILE, HERE IN FLORIDA

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, MAKE IT A MEMORABLE ONE


WINNING SMILE:


Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.



TO THE REALLY WISE MAN

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by.

My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”


BEATLES OR STONES?


I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.



MUTUAL ORGASM

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’

“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”


MEMORIES:


I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let’s put our two heads together.



HEAVEN, I’M IN HEAVEN

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”


MINT CONDITION:


Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee,
cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.



DEAD TED

Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”



A TRIFECTA OF THE FACTS

WIN

HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION (A Must-Read)

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”


PLACE

STANDARDS (More from Florida)

Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”


SHOW

DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN: Another helpful suggestion

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe.

“Go away” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m flat broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have as least seen my amazing demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”

The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

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