Humor

Best New Jokes: July 7, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

At my age, flowers scare me.
(George Burns)


The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
(Lucille Ball)


PERFECT MARRIAGE?

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the lady. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule stumbled.

“My husband quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.

Once more my husband quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.'”


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.


FOR MEN ONLY

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults – Sign-up by July 21st. NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants. 

TOPIC 1: HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS  Step by step, with slide presentation. 

TOPIC 2: THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion. 

TOPIC 3: IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group Practice. 

TOPIC 4: FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.  Pictures and explanatory graphics. 

TOPIC 5: THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on Video. 

TOPIC 6: LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING  OTHERS TO USE IT. Help line support and support groups. 

TOPIC 7: LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum. 

TOPIC 8: HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape. 

TOPIC 9: REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials. 

TOPIC 10: IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation. 

TOPIC 11: LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS. Online classes and role playing. 

TOPIC 12: HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. 

TOPIC 13: HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. 

TOPIC 14: CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS. Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.   

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.



THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

“She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

Of course the rest is history………………….


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.


HARRY HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble if I go home anyway!”


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


A KID’S DISCRETION

Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny’s Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, “Now, son…that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home.”

“I promise not to mention his missing ears at all,” said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!”

The mother, who had braced herself for Little Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”

He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?”

The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies “Why, yes… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, it is a good thing, ’cause he sure as heck can’t wear glasses.”


When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car was dented up really bad.

The next day she took it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at. The repair guy noticed that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, so he decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she got home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she could, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also was blonde showed up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, “What are you doing!?”

She replies, “Well the repair guy told me to blow into the tail pipe real hard and then the dents will pop out.”

Her girlfriend says “Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!”


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


THE ATHEIST

A young man who had been raised as an atheist was training to be an Olympic diver.

The only religious influence in his life came from his outspoken Christian friend. The young diver never really paid much attention to his friend’s sermons, but he heard them often.

One night the diver went to the indoor pool at the college he attended. The lights were all off, but as the pool had big skylights and the moon was bright, there was plenty of light to practice by.

The young man climbed up to the highest diving board and as he turned his back to the pool on the edge of the board and extended his arms out, he saw his shadow on the wall.

The shadow of his body was in the shape of a cross.

Instead of diving, he knelt down and finally asked God to come into his life.

As the young man stood, a maintenance man walked in and turned the lights on.

The pool had been drained for repairs.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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