Humor

Best New Jokes: July 5, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A MATTER OF PERCEPTION

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big…

10% of women think their ass is too little…

The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have   married him  anyway.


SIGNS OF OUR TIMES: On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”


STRANDED

A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you had a whisky?

He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, “Wow, that is fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”


On a Sears hairdryer — “Do not use while sleeping.”


KID’S PROVERBS

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.

Strike while the …………………….bug is close.

It’s always darkest before………………Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of……….termites.

Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.

You can’t teach an old dog new…………..math.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…………stink in the morning.

Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.

Happy the bride who……………………..gets all the presents.

A penny saved is…………………………not much.

Two’s company, three’s………………….the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as……………….Stevie Wonder.

If at first you don’t succeed…………….don’t skydive.

When the blind leadeth the blind………….get out of the way.

Better late than………………………pregnant!!!!


On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”


THE OLD VIRGIN FROM THE OLD SOD

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”


On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”


CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.


On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”


HAVEN’T YOU ALWAYS WONDERED…

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.

When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.


On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”


BRAIN CRAMPS

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Marion Barry, then Washington, DC mayor.

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” –Dan Quayle

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”


BLONDE COOK – THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. Much to my surprise, it still came out hamburger.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose


On a Swedish chain saw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”


THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK…

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years, and hell, we’re not using it any more.

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