Humor

Best New Jokes: July 30, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

SLIPPERY SLOPE

A man doing market research on Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex.”

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, “Usually, people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the kids out.


GOOD DOG!

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?” The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?” The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. “Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”


THE PERFECT BREAKFAST

You are sitting at the breakfast table.

Your son is on the front of the Wheaties box…
Your lover is on the cover of Playgirl…

Your husband is on the back of a milk carton.


PLEASE DUCK!

Three guys die together and go to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible NOT to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen.

St. Peter chains
them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy.

He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”


GOD IS WATCHING

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “Take only one. God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A little boy wrote a note, “Take all you want GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES.


TWO BUCKS WELL SPENT

A bum asked a man on the street for $2.

“Will you buy booze?” the man asks.

The bum replies, “No, I don’t drink.”

The man took in the bum’s tattered clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

Again the bum replies, “No, I don’t gamble.”

Intrigued, the man took another tack. “Will you make bets at the golf course?”

And once again the bum replies “No, I don’t play golf.”

Then the man asks, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf?”


FRENCH LESSON

A language professor was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. “House” in French is feminine—la maison. “Pencil” in french is masculine—le crayon.

One puzzled student asked, “What gender is computer?”

The French teacher didn’t know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender (la computer), because: 1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2) The native language they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval. 4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because: 1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2) They have a lot of data, but they can’t function on their own. 3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem. 4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


SPOOKED

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look man, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years


WELL WISHERS

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less..

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