Humor

Best New Jokes: July 22, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

JUST IN TIME: SENSIBLE INVESTMENT ADVICE

AfIf you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, our current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.


SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two women were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”

“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex,”

“Social Security sex?”

“Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”


When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.



THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE

A blonde gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard,” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”


Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


THE MYSTERY OF JEWISH OPTIMISM

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied: “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So, I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”


A plateau is a high form of flattery.


DRIVING TOO FAST!

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. “I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. “Go to the road and get help,” he said.

“I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. “You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her. So, she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”


He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.



GREAT THINKERS OF OUR TIME

1. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” —Mariah Carey

2. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” —Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti- smoking campaign.

3. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

4. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” —Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

5. “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” —Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

6. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” —Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

7. “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” –General William Westmoreland.


OLDIE BUT GOODIE

Man goes to the doctor:” Doctor, it’s my wife. I think maybe she’s dead…”

“My God! Dead, how do you know?”

“Well, the sex is much as ever but man, those dishes are really piling up!”


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


HOW MANY MEN…

…does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four! One to actually screw in the light bulb, and three others to brag about the screwing part!

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