Humor

Best New Jokes: July 21, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

MARKET RESEARCH: VASELINE

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

The woman replies, “Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex.”

Taken aback, the researcher says, “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “‘Bout what?”.


What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi? Documentaries.


WINNER OF 2003 DARWIN AWARD

The late John Pernicky and his friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them) they thought it would be easy to “hop” over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence. The plan was for Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop over the fence and then assist his friend over.

Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree His fall was abruptly broken (along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and worse, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse still, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing 30′ below atop his friend, killing him.

Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100′ from the truck and dead from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.



WHY SOME ATHLETES CANNOT HAVE REAL JOBS….

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (now that is beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, “Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye”


What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody’s fixin’ to lose a trailer.


WHO’S GOING TO COMB MY HAIR?

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal I expect a sumptuous dessert.

Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The fucking funeral director,” said his wife.


How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say “I’ve got a leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.


THE LITTLE GUY

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.”

Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?”

The guy says, “Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks, “He can drink?”

“Oh, sure, he can drink”

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

“That’s amazing,” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?”

The man flicks a quarter to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing,” he says, “What else can he do? Does he talk?”

The man says, “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor an a**hole!”


A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen”

The surprised salesman replies: “But, madam, computers do not have curtains ….

And the blonde said: “Helloooooooo…. I’ve got Windows


Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


THE HUNGRY STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”


A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker “Do these chickens get any bigger?” He replied, “No, they’re dead.”

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