Humor

Best New Jokes: July 19, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Question of the Week:

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?


THE CHEAP SEATS

You know you’ve booked a cheap flight when…

1. As you board the plane, you notice the copilot is frowning and wearing an “I’m with Stupid” T-shirt.

2. The Captain announces over the intercom the flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

3. The airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

4. The ground crew is seen using pennies to check tire wear

5. A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline’s CEO

6. A voice on the P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

7. The air sickness bags have the Lord’s Prayer printed on them.

8. Jumper cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

9. A man in clerical garb walks through the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin and exits.

10. A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.


Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

ALL HOW YOU LOOK AT IT

A middle-aged woman spends $5,000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” was the reply.

“I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

She replies, “I guess maybe… about 29?”

The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say… 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m sorry, I’m 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although…, when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are.”

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, “Oh what the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He lifts one
breast then the other and holds each, touches and caresses them…

After a couple of minutes, she said, “Okay, okay,… that’s enough,
how old am I ?”

He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, “Madam, you are exactly 47 years old.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible,… how did you know?”

He replied, “I was in line behind you at McDonald’s.”


Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the “Seven Wonders of the World.” Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

  1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids
  2. Taj Mahal
  3. Grand Canyon
  4. Panama Canal
  5. Empire State Building
  6. St. Peter’s Basilica
  7. China’s Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”

The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”

The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:

  1. To See
  2. To Hear
  3. To Touch
  4. To Taste
  5. To Feel
  6. To Laugh
  7. And to Love.

A gentle reminder — that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.


A day without sunshine is like…..night.


CURMUDGEON’S CORNER

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following quotes:

  • Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • There are two theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
  • There are three kinds of men: The ones who learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
  • Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
  • AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


FROM THE GREENS

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

Caddy: “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”

Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, Sir, its a compass!”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.”

Caddy: “I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would-be too much of a
coincidence”


42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot


LOST AT SEA

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


Children’s Science Q&A Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”.
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q:
What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby ended. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, The couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”.”


Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.


THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK…

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What happened?”

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