BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
BUSH STAFF MEETING
There was a staff meeting at the White House last week about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. George W. said, “Men don’t have anginas.”
He was completely freaked when Colin Powell insisted that Cheney not only had angina, he had acute angina.
A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?”
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. “Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?”
The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me, I’m drawin’ disability !!!”
KEEP LOOKING UP
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,…
all on different limbs,… at different levels,…
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
There was a painter called Dave, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one their biggest churches.
Dave put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Dave was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Dave far off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Dave was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” and from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
“Repaint! Repaint!…and thin no more!”
THE SALES PITCH
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood just outside the door to the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
LET’S DO ITALIAN
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.
After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the firstsucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over
the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge,
feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, …
“Drained wops keep fallin’ on my head.”
MURPHY’S ILLNESS …
After a long illness, An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said..”I’ve some bad news for you…..you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room where his son had been waiting for him.
Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I’ve got cancer and have been given a short time to live, so let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy said, “The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we’re drinking to my impending end. I’ve only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
Murphy’s friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion…..”Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS?”
Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
HOW TO BEAT A SPEEDING TICKET
Here is way you might be able to beat a speeding ticket, but it is not highly recommended.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Police quickly surrounded the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.! ! ! ! !
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