Humor

Best New Jokes: July 1, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


THREE OLD MEN ARE DISCUSSING THEIR SEX LIVES.

The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.”

The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for six hours.”

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?” “I wiped my hands on the drapes.”


Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! —
-Women’s restroom, The Filling Station,
Bozeman, Montana


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. —
The Irish Times, Washington, DC


WITTLE WABBITS

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, where do keep the wittle wabbits?”

And the shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really gives a thit!”


No wonder you always go home alone. —
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA


THIS WEEK’S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”


No matter how good she looks, some other guy i
s sick and tired of putting up with her crap. —
Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina


COME AGAIN?

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors; she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my GOD!” said the lady. “That’s disgraceful; why is he doing that?”

The doctor leading the tour explained, “I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.

If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they’ll explode and he will die within Minutes.”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the lady.

In the very next room, they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.

“Oh my GOD!” exclaimed the lady, “How can that be justified?”

The doctor replied, “Same illness, better health care plan.”


A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it. —
Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Texas


REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES

The latest strategy to drive the Taliban out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces. Before going in, they are told five things:

1. The limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickup trucks, or country music.
5. Some are queer.

That should just about do it.


Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men. —-
Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.


PROOF: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “SENSITIVE GUY”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her round his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The man says, “You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf. “


Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days
and doesn’t die. —Men’s restroom,
Murphy’s, Champaign, IL


BAND OF ROVING CEOS SPOTTED NEAR MEXICAN BORDER

San Antonio, Texas (Reuters) – Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

“They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues,” said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso, “Right in front of my daughters.”

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town’s 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado’s population to 960 and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

“First of all, they’re very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting,” said posse spokesman Dean Lewitt. “And every time we yell ‘Stop in the name of the shareholders!’, they refer us to investor relations. I’ve been on the phone all damn morning.”

“YOU’LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!” they scream.

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. “Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor,” said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. “It was like moths to a flame.”

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. “Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,” said Lewis, “but occasionally we’ll pick up someone saying, ‘I was totally out of the loop on that.”

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates’ Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia’s John Rigas, Enron’s Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems’ Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. “She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms,” said Border Patrol officer Jenette Cushing. “We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls.”

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. “No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,” she said. “They’re rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale.”


If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal. — Revolution Books,
New York, New York

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