Humor

Best New Jokes: January 7, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

AN ODE TO THE NEW YEAR

‘Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

It was the end of the day when Sam parked my police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and Sam saw a little boy staring in at him.

“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.

“It sure is,” Sam replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”



EQUALITY, KUWAIT-STYLE

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about nine feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked many yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, “This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what let women here achieve this reversal of roles?”

“Land mines,” said the Kuwaiti woman.


SAYINGS TO PONDER

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember … if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


A REAL MAN’S CHAIN LETTER

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn’t cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck.

One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter’s waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let’s keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017


ARTHRITIS

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”


10 THOUGHTS FOR THE NEW YEAR

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, though!!)

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