Humor

Best New Jokes: January 28, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

COWBOY MEDICINE

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no.

“Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turns blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there “Hind Lick Maneuver,” but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”


TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

01. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

02. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

03. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

04. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

05. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

06. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

07. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

08. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

09. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.


TALKING PARROTS

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, ” but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you, thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day, the woman brings her two female talking parrots to the priest’s house. His two male talking parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away; Our prayers have been answered.”


OBSERVATIONS ABOUT SEX

Tom Clancy “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

Steve Martin “You know ‘that look’ women get when they want sex? Me neither.”

Woody Allen “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

Rodney Dangerfield “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Woody Allen “I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

George Burns “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

Matt Barry “Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”

Camille Paglia “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

George Burns “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

Henry Miller “The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.”

Lynn Lavner “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.”



INTERESTING SURVEY

The latest survey of women on how they felt about the size of their ass, resulted in these responses. 80 percent of women thought their ass is too fat. 15 percent said their ass is too thin, and 5 percent said they didn’t care – they would have married him anyway!



IN THE BEGINNING…

On the first day, God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

Monkey said, “How boring–monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

SO: that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody



NURSING HOME AIRES

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

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