Humor

Best New Jokes: January 23, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


THE ARAB & THE SCOTSMAN

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case it was
found to be required during the procedure. As the gentleman had a rare type
of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to other
hospitals.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly
donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the
Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US
dollars.

A couple of days later the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. His
doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood
again.

After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik this time did not reciprocate his
gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the sheik and asked him: “I
thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds
& money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.


DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE,
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave



BEST NEOLOGISMS FROM THE WASHINGTON POST

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas frompenetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the nearfuture.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotentfor an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t getit.

6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n.): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things thatare good for you.11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at yourapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walkedthrough a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in themorning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole


DROVE TOO LONG, DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave



MEMORY GOING?

He was leaving a meeting at the church, and looking for his keys. They were
not in his pockets, and a quick search of the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly he realized he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he
headed for the parking lot. His wife, had scolded him many times in the
past for leaving the keys in the ignition. His theory was that the ignition
was the best place NOT to lose them. Her theory was that the car could be
stolen.

As he ran from the doors of the church, he came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

He immediately called the police, giving them the location and the make &
model of the vehicle, and confessed that he had left the keys in the car.

Then he made the most difficult call of all. “Honey, I left the keys in the
car, and it has been stolen.

There was a period of silence, and then he heard her voice, “I dropped you
off this morning”, she barked. Then it was his time to be silent.
Embarrassed he said, “Well come and get me.” To which she replied, “I will,
as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”


A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’, HE’S JUST HOPIN’
Burma Shave



BLUE HUMOR

Cops do have a sense of Humor!

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, and eat cotton candy.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

“No sir! We don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”


CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave



YET ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the Police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it’s in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!”

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, “Didn’t you notice your arm was torn off?”

The lawyer looks down in horror. He screams, “Oh my God, where’s my Rolex?”


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave



HIGH FLYING

Bud and Jim worked as airplane mechanics in Gander Bay, Newfoundland.

Bud said, “Man, I sure could use a drink!”

Jim says “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane fuel and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings… It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

Jim says, “Yeah, well there’s just one thing… Have you farted yet?”

“Not yet,” says Bill

“Well, DON’T. I’m in Chicago.”


AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN’T IT?
Burma Shave



YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER

  • Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
  • You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
  • Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
  • Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
  • Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
  • Being a senior adult is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
  • You know you’re into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
  • The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  • You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

NO MATTER THE PRICE, NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave



THREE CHAPLAINS

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, a student made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and the religious leaders decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you know that we don’t sprinkle!

I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to it. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took hold of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”


AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave



FOR OUR BABY BOOMERS

Some of the artists of the ’60s (living or not) are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. They include:

Elvis: “A Hunka Hunka Burning Bile”

Hermann’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”

The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”

Bobby Darin: “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash”

Ringo Starr: “I Get By With a Little Help from Depends”

Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”

Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”

Marvin Gaye: “I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts”

Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”

Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”

The Temptations: “Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”

Abba: “Denture Queen”

Tony Orlando: “Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall”

Helen Reddy: “I am Woman, Hear me Snore”

Willie Nelson: “On the Throne Again”

Leslie Gore: “It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To”

Sonny & Cher: “…And The Beat Goes….. On.”


BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER’S CODE
Burma Shave



FREDERICK’S OF HOLLYWOOD

A husband walks into Frederick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several garments that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.”


THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave



UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINING

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a
male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”


CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave



THIS WEEK’S BLOND JOKE

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE, TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

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