Humor

Best New Jokes: January 23, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

IF YOU HAVE A DREAM, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING.

IF YOU HAVE EVERYTHING AND NO DREAM, THEN EVERYTHING MEANS NOTHING.


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your fringe to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN


Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.


LITE READING

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history, were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun to set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”

To which the professor of psychology said, “Yes. I think they’re from the wicker chairs.”


Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.


TECH SUPPORT

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby…Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).


Always read stuff
that will make you
look good if you die
in the middle of it.


PARROT

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, “What’s the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son


If you can’t be kind,
at least have the decency
to be vague.


COST EFFECTIVE

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars


Give a person a fish
and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet
and they won’t bother you for weeks


CORRECT E-MAIL ADDRESSES

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.

It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is hot down here!!


Drive carefully.
It’s not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.


TO PONDER IN YOUR SPARE TIME

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Can a hearse carrying a corpse, drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2005
War Dims Hope for Peace


WHY WE LIVE IN FLORIDA

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist’s office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you ”

The man asked, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

Is Florida great or what?


When everything’s coming your way,
you’re in the wrong lane.


A PROFITABLE NEW HOBBY

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, “Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy. “Wow, what happened?” asked his friend. “It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for best dried arrangement!”


Never buy a car you can’t push.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never fry bacon in the nude.


AMISH WEDDING NIGHT

An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their wedding night.

The man went to the front desk, asking for a room. He told the clerk that it was their honeymoon, and they wanted a very nice room.

The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the Bridal?”

The Amish fellow thought about it for a moment, then replied, “No I guess not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”


Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.


3 GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


Remember that amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.


THIS WEEK‘S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those ‘dumb blonde’ jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied,” and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

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