Humor

Best New Jokes: January 23, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

DIVINE MATH HELP

Little Johnny was failing his math in elementary school, and his parents couldn’t figure out how to get him to understand it. They decided to take him out of the public schools and enroll him in a Catholic School.

Well, Johnny started doing so well, that on his first report card, he got an A. On his second report card, he got an A+.

His parents were so proud of him, but they were also confused, so they asked him, “Johnny, in your last school, you were failing math, and now you are getting A+’s. What is the big difference? Why are you doing so much better?”

Johnny replied, “Well, when I walked in here and seen that man nailed
to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!”



WORDS OF WISDOM, CON’T.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Home is where you can say anything you like ’cause nobody listens to
you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, they know me here.

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,
‘Thyroid problem?'”

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting
clothes for Christmas!

“I got a sweater for Christmas… I wanted a screamer or a
moaner.”

Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?

Regular naps prevent old age…..especially if you take them
while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year
and a half.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would
have only had ten disciples!

I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them
get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might
as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.

Travel is very educational. I can now say “Kaopectate” in seven
different languages.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Save Your Breath… You’ll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.


MARK ONE FOR BUSH

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds ,”It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb cracker.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dummy, it’s Tony Blair!


AND ONE FOR CLINTON

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.

I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time.

It may surprise you that this made me sad, But watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 U.S.Marines, in full dress, with rifles, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing president.

It was then that I realized how far America’s military had deteriorated.

Every last one of them missed!


OH, GOD!

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength .. and the tools .. to cross this river.” Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give! me the strength and the tools …and the intelligence… to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


THE VENTRILOQUIST
(THIS WEEK’S OBLIGITORY BLONDE JOKE)

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of off-color and “dumb blonde” jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: “I’ve heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, YOU MORON!

“What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person’s hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential….because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this Mister! I’m talking to that little twerp on your knee! “



AND FINALLY, THINGS THAT HAVE MADE ME A BETTER PERSON.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

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