Humor

Best New Jokes: January 16, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


YOU HAD TO BE THERE…

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”


The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball



ONE FOR THE GALS

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. “There is something I must tell you about your baby.”

What’s wrong?” the alarmed mother asked.

“Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

“What’s that?”

“It means your baby has both male and female parts.”

“Oh my God, that’s wonderful!” the mother said. “You mean it has a penis and a brain?”



AND THREE FOR THE GUYS…

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

——————————————————————-

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

——————————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



MIXED-UP E-MAILS

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error…

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!



THE PERFECT COUPLE’S PERFECT NIGHT

Jenny’s husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman’s work!

One evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

“We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!”



NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:

  • Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
  • Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
  • They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff trampling over their decrepit grandmother to help you first.
  • There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
  • To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.
  • It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And – you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
  • TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
  • The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
  • And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So… When I reach the Golden age, I’ll face it with a grin — Just forward all my email to: [email protected]_Inn!



CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

A Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring” he says, “I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – jus anyting you want. Whatchou want?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I want…… numba 69”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries…………..”You want…….Beef wif Broccori? NOW?”



THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?”

She paused briefly and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”



THE HOMELESS MAN – This Week’s Oldie but Goodie

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said.

“I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.

“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”



NOT FUNNY, MCGEE!

Freedom, American-Style

  • A car company moves its factories to Mexico and claims it’s a free market.
  • A toy company outsources its manufacturing capabilities to a Chinese subcontractor and claims it’s a free market.
  • A major bank incorporates in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claims it’s a free market.
  • We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico, buy shirts made in Bangladesh and underwear from Ecuador. It’s a free market, isn’t it.
  • We can purchase almost anything we want from most any country.
  • But heaven help the senior citizen who dares to buy prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy. That’s not only un-American, it’s “illegal!”

Behold, the power of the buck in the US Congress!

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