Humor

Best New Jokes: January 14, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


GROWING WILD

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is no justice in the world.”

The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”

The first little old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.”


2001 QUOTE OF THE YEAR

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he had been in President Clinton’s place, would he resign?

He responded: “If I were in the President’s place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, “How do I reload this damn thing?”


AND FINALLY, LAST WORDS FROM LAST YEAR

Each year the Washington Post’s Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and then supply a new definition.

Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid (familiar to all men).

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.


THE CAR THEFT

A man, obviously drunk, walks into the police station and stumbles up to the sergeant behind the front counter. Loudly the man exclaims “Officer, Officer!! They stole my car right off my key….they stole my car!”

“Slow down” the sergeant demands, “Just give me the details.”

“Details….Details!!!” the drunk protests. “They stole my car right off my key!”

Noticing by now that the man is extremely inebriated, the sergeant continues in a patronizing voice… “Look, buddy, you’ve had a little too much to drink. You shouldn’t be driving anyway. Why don’t you just head on home, and I’ll bet when you wake up in the morning you will remember where you left your car.”

As the drunk pivots to leave, the sergeant leans over the counter and says, almost in a whisper, “Uh, hey buddy, by the way, your penis is hanging out your pants.”

The drunk looks down, and in total agony shouts out “OH MY GOD!!! THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND TOO!!!”


LABEL INSTRUCTIONS

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???.)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion).

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (well.duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (and you thought????.)

On packaging for an iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time)?

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and. I’m taking this because???……..)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to……. what???)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Salisbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh. fly Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


THE LAWYER AND THE DOCTOR

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

“No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.

“No, I did not,” the doctor said.

“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”


GRANDMA & THE NUDIST COLONY!

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle? …it makes your nose look too long.”


INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC AT CHURCH

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

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