Humor

Best New Jokes: January 10, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THERE’S NEVER YET BEEN
A STATUE ERECTED
TO SOMEONE WHO
LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE.


WHEN THE WORLD ENDS

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: MARKETS PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

NCOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY


The early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.


A LESSON IN FORGIVNESS

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.”

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? 

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about  80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. All  responded, except one elderly lady. “Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any.” 

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“Ninety-three.” she replied. 
 
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?” 
  
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said,
“I outlived those bitches”


Giving a smile can bring a smile to anyone,
even if they don’t like you.


HARD TO GET GOOD HELP

The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.

She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone.

Her husband had to stay, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.

She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress.” He did this carefully.

“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her.

“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties.”
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”


I feel like I’m diagonally parked
in a parallel universe.


IT’S ALL COMING BACK

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while he said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to you.


I drive way too fast
to worry about cholesterol.


SHOW ME THE $$$$$, HONEY

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.

The lady answers, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said “Fluc you Amelicans too!”


Monday is an awful way
to spend 1/7 of your week.


THE AFTERLIFE

Three Italian nuns died and of course, went to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He said “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun said, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.

The second said, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone.

The third said, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looked perplexed. “Who?” he said.

“Sara Pipalini;” replied the nun.

St. Peter shook his head and said; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter. He read the paper and started laughing.

He handed it back to her and said “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”


Change is inevitable,
except from vending machines.


THE BIRDS, BEES, BYTES AND BITS

SON: Dad, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!  

Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad’s memory stick.  As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that’s the real story.


How do you tell
when you’re out of invisible ink?


CHRISTMAS CARDS WE DIDN’T GET

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.


Eagles may soar,
but weasels don’t get sucked
into jet engines.


YA GOTTA KEEP GOIN‘

Life punches you in the stomach. It knocks your breath out and leaves you bowed and gasping. You must keep going.

You lose a job, and wonder how you are going to find another.
You must keep going.

You find out you have a serious illness that will effect the rest of your life. You must keep going.

You have a big argument with your spouse. Neither of you feels like talking and maybe not even looking at each other. You must keep going.

Your children rebel and are on self-distructive courses. You must keep going.

The bills seem to never end and the money seems to never start. You must keep going.

There are times that make you just want to curl up, stick your head in a hole, and make the world go away. You must keep going.

When you woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but you had to. You must keep going.

Life is full of those circumstances. In times like those, and when they come along, remember the blessing.

The blessing is not in that you must keep going.

The blessing is that you can.


Just remember –
if the world didn’t suck,
we would all fall off.


A man and his grandson sat on the sofa one evening sharing a quiet moment.

Suddenly, the little boy looked his grandpa in the eye and said,”Grandpa can make a noise like a frog?”

His grandfather answered, “Yes. I guess I can, why do you ask?”

“Well” said the little boy, “Grandma says that when you croak, we’re going to Disneyland.”


Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.


THIS WEEK‘S BEST BLONDE JOKE

Two blonde guys were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”


I used to have an open mind
but my brains kept falling out.

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