Humor

Best New Jokes: February 3, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

A LESSON IN THE IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT E-MAIL ADDRESSES

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.

It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is hot down here!!


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
War Dims Hope for Peace


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


BILL’S GOLD URINAL

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

He was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said, “When I am President, I’ll get to have a gold urinal!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal..

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, “Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope


QUESTIONS TO PONDER

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Can a hearse carrying a corpse, drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge


FOR MY NURSE FRIENDS

A doctor died and went to hell. He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan. After 4 hours Satan finally appeared. The doctor was incensed. Poking his watch he said, “How could you keep me waiting so long!! I am an important man! I’m a doctor!”

Satan replied, “Doctors are a dime a dozen here in Hell. But I’ll tell you what. Since you had to wait so long, I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in.”

Satan took the doctor down a hall and said, “Here. I’ll be back shortly. You can choose between Door #1 and Door #2. I’ll be back and you can let me know where you want to be assigned.”

The doctor opened Door #1. Inside was an Intensive Care Unit. Blood was spurting, alarms were going off and patients were coding. A man in the corner extubated himself as a woman in the center fell out of bed. The doctor quickly shut the door and said, “My God, I really am in Hell. I’d better check Door #2.”

Behind Door #2 was a Medical Records Department. Unfinished charts stretched for miles with notations about delinquent H&Ps. Message slips from Managed Care Case Managers filled a swimming pool sized bin, all marked Urgent. Inside, physicians were dictating as sweat poured off their brows. The doctor shut the door and said, “I don’t know which one is worse.”

Then he noticed another door off to the side. He opened it and inside was a tidy nurse’s station. The nurses were all young and beautiful. There were busily making rounds with doctors and calling to obtain lab and x-ray results. They poured coffee and served donuts purchased with their own money. One doctor complained of a stiff neck and a nurse rubbed it for him.

“Now this is more like it.” the doctor thought as he closed the door.

Satan came strolling back down the hall and said, “Well, which have you decided on, Door #1 or Door #2?”

The doctor replied, “Actually, I would like to go behind Door #3.”

“That’s not an option.” said Satan.

“But…that’s what I want!” said the doctor.

Satan replied, “I’m sorry, but you can’t go in there. That’s Hell for nurses.”


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


STREAKING FOR DOLLARS

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, “Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy. “Wow, what happened?” asked his friend. “It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for best dried arrangement!”


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


HOW POLITICS WORK, THIS ONE FOR YOU REPUBLICANS

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges


CROSSING THE DESERT

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.

There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached


BEST REAL HEADLINES FOR 2002
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE NUN JOKE

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says “I must tell you something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent.

A blonde nun in the back says, “Thank God! I am so tired of White Zinfandel.”

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