Humor

Best New Jokes: February 27, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN?

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

“Those of my faith,” said the minister, “believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat.”

“We take a different view,” said the priest. “We believe life starts at the moment of conception.”

“Well,” said the rabbi, “it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies.”


Marriage changes passion…
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.


THE CURE

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. The same thing happens

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or, are you going crazy?”

The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him and says, “Ragweed and Pepper.”


We are now calling our “senior moments” by the much more positive description of “intellectual overload”


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write: “A Good Doctor!”


BAD PUN OF THE WEEK

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease…. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!


THE MYSTERY OF JEWISH OPTIMISM

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied: “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So, I switched to the Arab newspaper.

“Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”


I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.


HOW MANY MEN…

…does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four! One to actually screw in the light bulb, and three others to brag about the screwing part!


Life is short. Dance naked, and wiggle your butt!


SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two women were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”

“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex,”

“Social Security sex?”

“Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”


“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” — Lee Iacocca


MOTHER TERESA

Mother Teresa dies and goes to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” saith God.

“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates. Still, she says nothing.

The following day, when it’s mealtime, God opens another can of tuna. When she sees this, she suddenly can’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand…”

God sighs. “Let’s be honest,” he says. “For just two people, does it really pay to cook?”


Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, bad language, and violence on my VCR?


10 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?”

4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken…”

2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

1. ” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”


“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” — Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


FAMILY SECRETS

Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago, and Niagara Falls. One of my daughters turned to my mother.

“Grandma, where did you go on your honeymoon?” she asked.

Mother never hesitated. “Upstairs!” she said.


If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”


Old is when not wearing a bra
pulls all the wrinkles from your face
.

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