Humor

Best New Jokes: February 23, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

OLD AGE IS WHEN FORMER CLASSMATES ARE SO GRAY AND WRINKLED AND BALD, THEY DON’T RECOGNIZE YOU.


VINTAGE NUN JOKE

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, “I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

“Thank God,” says an elderly nun in the back, “I’m so tired of Chardonnay!”


YOU HAVE TO LOVE THE BRITS

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood…..big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all… NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the Bobbie…”Just follow me”.

He leads him to a back delivery alley”, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the Bobbie. “Whiz away,…anywhere you want.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie “That was really decent of you ….is that “British Hospitality ?”

“No” replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, “That’s the French Embassy.”


Maxine on “Driver Safety” – “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”


A Geezer By Any Other Name…

We seniors have an image problem. And your falling asleep at dinner last night didn’t help.


Maxine on “Life” – “Life is like an oven. It burns my buns.”


THE MISTRESS

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Hummer and Cadillac SUV in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.


Maxine on “Housework” – “I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.”


IQ TEST

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer…


He opens his mouth and says. “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.”
If you got this wrong…please go dig a hole and hide.


Maxine on “Lawn Care” – “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”


WEEK’S MOST POPULAR JOKE

Mr. Smith is waiting for the results of his wife’s blood tests. The lab technician finally comes into the waiting room to speak with him.

The lab tech says, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which test results are your wife’s. Frankly, it’s either bad or terrible!”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?”

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don’t sleep with her.”


Maxine on “Body Piercing” – “I’d get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head.”


ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

  • Miners Refuse to Work After Death
  • Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
  • Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Maxine on “the Perfect Man” – “All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”


YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK WHEN… 2004 EDITION

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

19. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

20. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

21. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of Kmart.

22. Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.

23. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

24. You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.

“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”


Maxine on “Work” – “My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards.”


ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS

After the Super Bowl game:

President Bush called the Patriots and complimented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.


Maxine on “the Technology Revolution” – “My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt. Twice.”


Maxine on “Aging” – “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.”

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