Humor

Best New Jokes: February 20, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

MOST PEOPLE DON’T AIM
TOO HIGH AND MISS
THEY AIM TOO LOW AND HIT.

JUST FOR US INCURABLE ROMANTICS

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So, I tied her up and went fishing.


MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING,
BUT, IT SURE
KEEPS THE KIDS IN TOUCH


CRYSTAL BALL GAZING

The year is 2029

Castro dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

A new Constitutional amendment allows illegal aliens to run for U.S. President.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the ATM (the American Territory of the Middle East, formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floridians still don’t know how to use a voting machine.


EVERYONE IS GIVEN PATIENCE
WISE PEOPLE USE IT.


REMEMBER SOUNDS OF YESTERYEAR
Take a stroll down radio’s memory lane. Take this “Older Than Dirt” Suddenly Senior Trivia Quiz. See how many you remember!

Radio and Family


DON’T HAVE ANYTHING
TO BE THANKFUL FOR?
CHECK YOUR PULSE !


YOU’LL SHED A TEAR OR TWO

Cartoon Man

A woman awoke during the night and found her husband was missing from their bed. She went downstairs to look for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him, deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She sees him wipe tears from his eye, and asked, “What’s the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?”

“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he ask?

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?”

Yes, I remember,” said his wife.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?’

“I remember that, too,” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and sadly mused, “I would have gotten out today.”


OPINIONS ARE LIKE KIDS .
NOBODY WANTS YOURS.


FOR OUR MICHIGAN FRIENDS, WITH LOVE

At least it was a painless death, and Jack found himself waiting in the long line for his final Judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, Jack’s curiosity got the best of him.

He strolled over and said “Excuse me, Prince of Darkness, I’m waiting in line for your judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”

“Oh them” Satan groaned. “They’re all from Michigan. They’re still too cold and wet to burn.”


A SMILE CAN BRING HAPPINESS TO ANYONE .
EVEN IF THEY DON’T LIKE YOU.


VIAGRA

Very early one morning, a wife asked her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?”

He declined. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he said. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

“The Viagra,” he said, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asked if he wanted anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declined again. “Naw, still not hungry.”

“Well,” she said, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”


WHEN YOU LOSE
DON’T LOSE THE LESSON.


AND HERE AT SUDDENLY SENIOR,
SOME OF THE STUFF WE’VE LEARNED

That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

That we should be glad we don’t get everything we ask for.

That money doesn’t buy class.

That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

That under everyone who displays a hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

That the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes us think we can?

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

That love, not time, heals all wounds.

That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

That life is tough, but we’re tougher.

That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones we miss.

That when we harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

That we should keep our words both soft and tender, because tomorrow we may have to eat them.

That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve our looks.

That we can’t choose how we feel, but we can choose what we do about it.

That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

That the only time we should give advice is when it’s asked for.

That the less time we have to work with, the more things we accomplish.


YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE THE VOICES
TALK ONLY TO ME.


DO WE NEED ANOTHER FROG JOKE? HELL, YES!

A frog hopped into a bank and right up to the teller. Her name tag says Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Frog Face Cartoon
Ms. Whack looked at the frog in disbelief and asked his name. The frog replied, “My name is Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger, and dad is good friends with bank manager.”

Ms. Whack explained to Kermit that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

Kermit says, “Yes, I know. Will this do?,” handing her a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Ms. Whack explained that she’ll have to run this past the bank manager.

She finds the manager and said, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She held up the tiny pink elephant. ” What in the world is this?”

The bank manager said.. “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”


A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES .
BEGINS WITH A CASH ADVANCE.


HEF LOVES THIS

Lola’s husband, George, was asked why he subscribed to Playboy magazine.

“I read Playboy for the same reason that I read National Geographic, so I can see all the sights I’m too old to visit.”


SEX MUST BE A MISDEMEANOR
THE MORE I MISS IT
THE MEANER I GET.


CRUISING

Selma was enjoying the first cruise she had ever taken. She wandered into one of the ships bars and ordered Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender served her the drink, Selma said “This is the first time I’ve taken a cruise, and I’m celebrating my 80th birthday today.”

The bartender said “Congratulations, this drink is on me.”

As Selma finished her drink, the woman to her right said, “I’d would like to buy you a drink, too.”

Selma again ordered Scotch with two drops of water.

When she finished that drink, the man to her left said, “Happy Birthday. I’d like to buy you one, too.”

Again, she ordered Scotch with two drops of water.”

As the bartender served her the drink, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

Selma replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”


I ALMOST HAD A PSYCHIC GIRLFRIEND
BUT, SHE LEFT ME BEFORE WE MET.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE
ONE LAST BLAST AT WINTER JOKE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.  

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. 

Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.  When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. 

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says. “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in PENNSYLVANIA and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK.”


IT’S HARD FOR ME TO GET USED
TO THESE CHANGING TIMES.
I CAN REMEMBER WHEN THE AIR WAS CLEAN
AND SEX WAS DIRTY

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