Humor

Best New Jokes: February 18, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.


CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?


How long a minute is depends on
what side of the bathroom door you’re on.


CHURCH FUNDS

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”


Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once
.


THE OHIO COW

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00. They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Ohio?”

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Ohio.


Happiness comes through doors you
didn’t even know you left open.


HERE’S WHY

On the first day, God created the cow.

God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the monkey.

God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man.

God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.


A truly happy person is one
who can enjoy the scenery on a detour
.


WHOOPS!

Len called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. “Hello?” said a little girl’s voice. “Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” said Len.” Is mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Len said, “But you don’t have an Uncle Frank, honey!” “Yes, I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house.” “Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy. ” And what happened?

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?” “He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too.”

There was a long pause. Then Len said, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?


Don’t cry because it’s over;
smile because it happened.


A CHEERY AROMA, WITH A TOUCH OF IRONY

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) – Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item — Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: “The right name is important.”

So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Walmart “Merde du Pays”

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine…

1. Nasti Spumante


Remember to hold hands with your loved one and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.


HOW TO DEAL WITH LEVITICUS

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident and posted on the Internet. It is funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

01. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Lev. 1:9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

02. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

03. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness. (Lev. 15:19-24) The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

04. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

05. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

06. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

07. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

08. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

09. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted and adoring fan, Jim


Most of us go to our grave with
our music still inside of us.

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