Humor

Best New Jokes: February 17, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?

A man walked into the women’s department of a Macys, shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter, and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” What type of bra?” asked the clerk. “Type?” inquired the man, “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the sales clerk, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color, and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. She said: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?”

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The sales clerk responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”


LOST AT SEA

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”


BEING A WOMAN

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. –Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. –Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. –Jan King

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. –Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears. –Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. –Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. –Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. –Erma Bombeck

Old age ain’t no place for sissies. –Bette Davis

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t –Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. –Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. –Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. –Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. –Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. –Jennifer Unlimited

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. –Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss… and they called ME slow! –Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman…… is a basket of dirty laundry. –Sally Forth


IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t give a rat’s butt if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
because this one’s just too icky looking.

Same work…more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking
“He’s mad at me.”

You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,
in 45 minutes.


THAT’S ART

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.”

The man says “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis.”

The Irish artist says, “Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”



THE FOUR MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three: When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The Brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don’t need brains to be a Boss–any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

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