BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS
I LEARNED FROM THE POPE
If you want to be noticed, wear a funny hat.
Biblically speaking, you’re not really that old.
It’s OK to be seen in public wearing only your robe.
It’s fun to dress up.
A little Latin goes a long way.
The older you are, the greater your wisdom.
It’s good to know people in high places.
Sing unto others on their birthday as you would have them sing unto you.
Getting older brings you closer to God.
Do not covet thy neighbor’s presents.
Make your guests wait in line for their little pieces of cake.
Wise men will come bearing gifts…rude, insensitive people will just come and crash your party.
If you run short of hors d’ouevres at the party, just break out the loaves and fishes. It’s hard to fit more than three candles on a communion wafer.
You can’t have your communion wafer and eat it too.
Accept your gifts with modesty.
Unfortunately, there are no prayers to stop the ageing process.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and Kisses
A FEW FACTIODS ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, “Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery!” The husband excitedly asks, “Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?”
She says, “Pack ’em all, you’re leaving!”
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”
Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven’t seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says “My what a magnificent ring.” Her friend relies, “Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
with my husband!”
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
LOOKING FOR LOVE
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5’4″(used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second.
She said, And used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice in one night.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it.
So I said “Implants?”
A TRIFECTA OF STUFF
ABOUT SCORING ON VALENTINE’S DAY!
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE:
(Dedicated to Frank Kaiser!)
- I love you because you bring the best out of me.
- Your terrific sense of humor
- Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat
- You’re the one who holds the key to my heart
- You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).
- You have taught me the true meaning of love.
- Love is, what you mean to me – and you mean everything.
- You are my theme for a dream.
- I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.
- When I look into your eyes, I can see your heart.
- Your love for me is a natural anti-depressant.
- I love to hear your voice.
- Your love has helped me to rediscover myself.
- Your love is an effective anti-dote to despair.
- I love to wake up with you by my side…It makes my days better.
- You always make me feel that you are by my side no matter what.
- I love that feeling of being secure when you wrap your arms around me.
- I love the way you keep your cool when I do something stupid.
- Just being with you feels like I can defy the whole world.
- You mean the world to me.
- I like your small gestures that speak volumes about how much you care.
- I love the way you treasure the gifts that I gave you.
- I love the way you patch up with me after a tumultuous fight.
- And, of course, your intelligence, ’cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me.
BE MY VALENTINE
I walked into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over them.
My curiosity getting the better of me, I asked him what he is doing.
The man told me, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” I asked
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Support bacteria –
they’re the only culture some people have.
LAST MINUTE VALENTINE’S DAY ADVICE
Don’t tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don’t give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.
Don’t buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.
Don’t tell your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don’t leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.
Don’t buy your partner household appliances for Valentine’s Day.
Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don’t give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!
Don’t club baby fur seals.
The problem with sex in the movies
is the popcorn usually spills.
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