Humor

Best New Jokes: February 12, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

HOW TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and thing go from bad to worse when one wing is struckby lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells,
“Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

“Iron this.”


THE PERFECT EXCUSE

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nic evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can
catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

What in hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice night”, said the officer.


THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back
in.

4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along And shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

8. There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

10. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.


SPOONING

Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out wate and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil.

This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.”

“How so?”

“See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

“Okay, that makes sense, but if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”


LUCKY PIGS

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it)

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can’t get over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. > (Hmmmmmmmmm……..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you’re ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? How’d they find out? Ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping a football field.
(30 minutes…can you imagine? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s Head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the….)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig…quality over quantity)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is………….Lucky Pigs.

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