Humor

Best New Jokes: December 6, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

FOR EVERY PERSON WITH A SPARK OF GENIUS , THERE ARE A HUNDRED WITH IGNITION TROUBLE.


SMART KID

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals”.

The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?”

The little girl replied, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”


WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


ANCIENT CHINESE TORTURE

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, but finally he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Could you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so   much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and he entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room   for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old  man wouldn’t hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.

Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture # 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”


WHEN THE ONLY TOOL YOU OWN IS A HAMMER, EVERY PROBLEM BEGINS TO LOOK LIKE A NAIL.


THE KEY TO GREAT SENIOR SEX

What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, “Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!”


ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.


DOCTOR’S VISIT

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?”

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse: Darn it ELAINE! I said a BUTT LIGHT”


THE EYES ARE THE SECOND THING TO GO. I FORGOT THE FIRST.


SIXTH GRADE ANATOMY CLASS

The teacher, Mrs. Parks asked, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!”

She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy.” Then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have 3 things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn’t read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.


I PLANTED SOME BIRDSEED. A BIRD CAME UP. NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FEED IT.


THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club’?”

MAN: Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure…go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: $60.000′

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”.

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000.”

WOMAN: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”


FLASHLIGHT IS A CASE FOR HOLDING DEAD BATTERIES.


THOU SHALT NOT GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home….and left it there all night.


WHAT WAS THE GREATEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


WELCOME TO WALMART

Two elderly WalMart greeters were sitting on a bench during break.

One turns to the other asking, “Slim, I’m 83 years old and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, ” I feel just like a new born babe.”

Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, “Really? A new born babe???”

“Yup”, grins Slim. “No teeth, no hair, and I think I just wet my pants.”


I’D GIVE MY RIGHT ARM TO BE AMBIDEXTROUS.’


THE PARROT

Jed is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

He wonders aloud, ” I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot answers, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy crap” he replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?” Jed asks, “Then, answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot answers, “this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my wienie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says Jeb. “You really can understand and speak English too.”

“Actually,” says the parrot, “I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I’m especially good on ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

Jeb looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

The parott replies, “The truth is, because I’m defective nobody wants me. You can probably get me for $20; just make the shop pwner an offer.”

Jeb offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal; he understands everything; he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. Jeb is delighted with his new pet.

One day, when Jeb comes home from work, the parrot motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks Jeb.

“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie, and kissed him passionately.”

“WHAT???” Jeb stammers. “Then what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began stroking her all over,” reported the parrot.

“Oh no!” Jeb exclaims, “then what?

“Then he took off her nightie and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….”

“My God” shouts Jeb, frantically. “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”


WHAT IS A “FREE GIFT?” AREN’T ALL GIFTS FREE?


GOT AN ANSWER?

A college student to a man old enough to be his grandfather.

He kept saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

“You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, and of course, computers.”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them!

“What are you doing for the next generation?”


THEY TOLD ME I WAS GULLIBLE AND I BELIEVED THEM.


THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLOND JOKE

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I reasoned he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde. It’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I’m doing. “Shh,” I said, “I’m acting crazy to get a few days off. I’m a light bulb.”

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed. “You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

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