Humor

Best New Jokes: December 31, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

NO NATIVITY

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

This isn’t for any religious constitutional reason.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


A DIETER’S CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips

Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care

In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps

Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,

Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow

Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear:

A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;

On Pritikin, On Stillman, on Atkins on TOPS

Almost in a coma from sugar detox

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall

Now dash away pounds now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress

My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly,

They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work

Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn

Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry—

f temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night

In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!


BARBIE FIGHTS BACK

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t want to be around to smell it).

So, here’s My Holiday Wish List:

01. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

02. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!

03. A REAL man…maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that poor excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

04. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

05. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

06. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

07. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

08. A new, more new millennium persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;

“Animal Rights Barbie,” with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie,” sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

09. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Love, Barbie


HOW THE ANGEL CAME TO BE ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree fat man?”

And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.



CHRISTMAS IN THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE

A man stopped in a small Florida Panhandle town, and noted that there was a “Nativity Scene” which showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it One small feature bothered him — the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he stopped at a convenience store on the edge of town, and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She gently rebuked me with a smile, “You Damn Yankees! Y’all never do read your Bible!”

The man assured her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She lifted her well worn Bible from under the counter and quickly found the page she wanted. Holding it for me to see, she said, “Looky here, it rightly says, ‘The three wise men came from afar.'”


CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you

DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. (Better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.


REINDEER TALK

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females that do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a female. (We should’ve known this when they were able to find their way.

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