Humor

Best New Jokes: December 24, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

(Some are a bit long, but worth the extra read.)

BREAKING NEWS

GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT

Bush To Be Smitten Later Today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the “one nation, under God” clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

“I’m not sure where the Supreme Court gets off,” God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, “but I’m sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit.

“I’ve watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida ‘will never be known.’ Well, I’m God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let’s cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes.” Shocking political analysts and pundits, God’s unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God’s Word for possible grounds for appeal.

“God’s ruling is a classic over-reach,” argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. “Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida.”

“Jim Baker’s a jackass,” God responded. “He’s got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean.” God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to “a friggin’ idiot.”

“Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don’t believe me? I’ll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron…” Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush’s prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush’s goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils. Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.


A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James


BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS

AUSTIN, Texas (Dec. 15) – Attorneys for President-elect George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”

“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and rechecking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the ‘nice’ list, filing them under ‘naughty’ instead because “everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.”

President-elect Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.”

“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ’em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”

Meanwhile, Vice-president Dick Cheney who, according to unnamed sources at the Heritage Center, will actually run the United States for the next four years, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough.

They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she’s asked for.


We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.


More Breaking News!

JESSE JACKSON MARCHES TO NORTH POLE

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled.

The “Million Man Mush” is scheduled to leave Friday. “We need red suits and sleighs, not lawsuits and delays,” Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokes elf said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him.

“He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokes elf. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”

A weary nation can relate. In the event, if finality cannot be reached, the United States Supreme Court is poised to rule. The central question for the Court appears to be whether Santa is a Republican or a Democrat. It could make all the difference to this closely divided, nonpartisan institution composed of seven Republicans and two Democrats. As the nation waits, Justice Clarence Thomas, however, assured all Americans that ‘politics never enter into a decision of the Court and that Santa will be treated fairly.’


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


REINDEER TALK

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females that do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen……..had to be a female. (We should’ve known this when they were able to find their way.)


If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


MEDICAL TESTS

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”

Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

Mr. Smith: “That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?”

Receptionist: “Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

Mr. Smith: “Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.


It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.


TAX TIME

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 2001 your penis will be taxed according to size.

10 – 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
8 – 10 Pole Tax 25.00
5 – 8 Privilege Tax 15.00
4 – 5 Nuisance Tax 3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file a capital gains return.

NOTE: Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

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