Humor

Best New Jokes: December 22, 2003

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
-David Dunham

Joy is not in things; it is in us.
– Richard Wagner

Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants.” – Maggie Kuhn

At my age flowers scare me.
-George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. -Victor Borge


DIVORCE AT 80

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas. Now, what are we going to tell them next Thanksgiving?”


CHRISTMAS CARDS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and……

Paranoid
— Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…


FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES… The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.


Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.


CHRISTMAS IN THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE

A man stopped in a small Florida Panhandle town, and noted that there was a “Nativity Scene” which showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it One small feature bothered him — the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he stopped at a convenience store on the edge of town, and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She gently rebuked me with a smile, “You Damn Yankees! Y’all never do read your Bible!”

The man assured her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She lifted her well worn Bible from under the counter and quickly found the page she wanted. Holding it for me to see, she said, “Looky here, it rightly says, ‘The three wise men came from afar.'”


The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him



HIGH-TECH CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new high-tech apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there  was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You jerk, it’s three o’clock in the morning!”


A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


THE PERFECT COUPLE

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Men Keep reading.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen…….


The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.


200 WOMEN WALKING

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.” She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”


Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.


SEAGULL HEAVEN

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”


Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”


Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines


WHO EVER SAID WOMEN DO NOT ENJOY DOING LAUNDRY?

Dear Tide:

I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out. After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!!

I thank you once again for a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.


David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN THIS HOLIDAY SEASON….

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN…

Arrive naked. Bring beer.


Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.


URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE NORTH POLE

Santa’s got a new contract. From now on, he will serve only Great Lakes’ states and will take longer breaks for milk and cookies. Who will take care of all the rest of the boys?


Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.


CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

Read the winner of Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner.


Moses died before he ever reached Texas.

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