Humor

Best New Jokes: December 17, 2001

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

Now, if I could only remember why we’re doing this…


THAT’S MY HMO

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other for
AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?”

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her


ONE-LINERS FOR THOSE STRESSFUL DAYS:

1. You! – Off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

6. I’m just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize

8. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

9. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

10. How do I set a laser printer to stun?


PLEASE!

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.


OH, THE IRISH

Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven’t been feelin’ meself lately!”

“Tis a good thing, too — that was a nasty habit you had!” responded McMaken.



An Irishman
who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”


THIS WEEK’S – GROAN — BLONDE JOKE

A blonde’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So, she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It’s not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
“What the heck is going on here?”

My car broke down, says the lady, calmly.

“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?” asks the cop.

“Those are my emergency flashers!” (The editor apologizes.)


AND JUST TO BE FAIR, A BLONDE GUY JOKE

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or
Enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”



ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS FROM NEWSPAPERS
(Thanks to Molly O’Brien Hess)

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
———————————-
FREE PUPPIES:
&Mac184; COCKER SPANIEL
&Mac184; SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
—————————–
FREE PUPPIES… PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
——————————
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
————————————-
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
———————————–
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer
—————————
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
——————————-
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
———————————–
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
————————————
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
————————————-
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
——————————————
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
——————————————-
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY:
$7 — $9 PER HOUR.
——————————————-
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
——————————————-
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
——————————————
ALZHEIMER’S CENTRE PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
——————————————-
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
—————————————
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.


PERFECT THOUGHT FOR MONDAY

When you have an “I hate my job” day try this special therapy: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Q-Tip.” Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is personally tested.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in Quality Control at the Q-Tip Company.”

Now, don’t you feel better?



NEXT WEEK: ALL CHRISTMAS JOKES!

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