Humor

Best New Jokes: December 17, 2000

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

APOLOGY TO THE NATION

Dear Nation,

We, the State of Florida, would like to apologize for not being able to count. We knew our schools were lagging behind the rest of the nation, but we never knew just how badly things were here.

May be its from all that pesticide we use to control those giant palmetto bugs. May be its from too many margaritas and Jimmy Buffet. May be we were thinking too much about our redneck daughters being pregnant by our sons. May be, just may be, the glorious Florida sun has baked our brains just a little too much.

We also want to apologize that even after hundreds of years of voting, we are not aware of the fact that we can only pick ONE Presidential candidate and not two. Some of us thought down here in the Sunshine state that we could pick a first choice and then a second choice. Kinda like when we vote for our favorite Disney character. Oh well.

Again, sincere apologies, we have our abacus’ out and we are starting over and we swear we will get it right this time.

Sincerely,

The Citizens of State of Florida


THE FLORIDA RETIREE

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”


SANTA’S APOLOGY TO THE NATION

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad

The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can’t, in good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once; then again, maybe not.

So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs.

To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5 pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them myself, I forgot what they meant.

You know, Good…and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn’t even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these trying times.

Yours Truly, Santa


FLORIDA MEN

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.


A FLORIDA CAT’S CREATION STORY

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created humans to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that humans could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and their humans broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox.


“I’m sorry I ever invented the Electoral College.” Al Gore 11/08/00


THE 12 RECOUNTS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first recount of Christmas my country gave to me … a disputed presidency.

On the second recount of Christmas my country gave to me … two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the third recount of Christmas my country gave to me … three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the fourth recount of Christmas my country gave to me … four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the fifth recount of Christmas my country gave to me … five… court filings! — Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the sixth recount of Christmas my country gave to me… six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the seventh recount of Christmas my country gave to me… seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the eighth recount of Christmas my country gave to me… eight spokesmen whining, seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency..

On the ninth recount of Christmas my country gave to me… nine reporters guessing, eight spokesmen whining, seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the tenth recount of Christmas my country gave to me… ten legal rulings, nine reporters guessing, eight spokesmen whining, seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the eleventh recount of Christmas my country gave to me… eleven judges judging, ten legal rulings, nine reporters guessing, eight spokesmen whining, seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins, and a disputed presidency.

On the twelfth recount of Christmas my country gave to me… twelve lawyers lying, eleven judges judging, ten legal rulings, nine reporters guessing, eight spokesmen whining, seven politicians babbling, six disenfranchised voters, five… court filings! Four contested ballots, three pregnant chads, two campaign spins… and… a disputed presidency!


AND YOU THOUGHT FLORIDA LAW WAS STRANGE. LOOK AT SINGAPORE’S

Chewing gum on subways may result in fines and/or jail time.

Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.

Oral sex is illegal unless it is used as a form of foreplay.

As it is considered pornographic, you may not walk around your home nude.

Failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in very hefty fines.

It is considered an offense to enter the country with cigarettes.

If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, “I am a litterer.” This will then be broadcast on the local news.

It is illegal to pee in an elevator.

This last one may pertain to Florida if the pee-er is under 65.

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