Humor

Best New Jokes: August 9, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


SEX AT 90

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”


I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.


CAJUN FUNERAL

Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, “When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?”

Jacque said: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Fouché commented: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Boudreaux said: “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s movin!’ “


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives? They want to.


WHY FOLKS MOVE TO FLORIDA

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist’s office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you ”

The man asked, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

Is Florida great or what?


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


SENILITY: DEFINED

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”

“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never  owned a car.


THE SHIPWRECKED REDNECK

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze–perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”


A woman is like a tea bag… You don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.


OF THE FORMERLY RICH HOULIHANS

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”


I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.


ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS

I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day. Just south of Kansas City a tire blew out. Checking my spare,
I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.

“You a Democrat or Republican?” asked the old man.

“Republican,” I replied.

“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the
same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican”.

The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.

“Democrat ” I shouted.

“Hop in!” replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.”

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

“What’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”


Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.


FOR THE DEMS: REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE

Republican National Convention Schedule New York, NY
*  6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
*   6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
*   6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights
*   6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
*   6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
*   7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
*   7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
*   7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it’s what’s for dinner
*   8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
*   8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
*   8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
*   8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
*   8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
*   9:00 PM Condi Rice sings “I Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
*   9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
*   9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
*   9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
*   10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
*   10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
*   10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
*   10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
*   10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
*   10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation’s economy
*   11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
*   11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
*   11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
*   11:35 PM Blame Clinton
*   11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
*   11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
*   12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord


If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and he sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked …”Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

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