Humor

Best New Jokes: August 26, 2002

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


Inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.



A GOLFER TO THE END

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”

“Yes”

“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.” The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Five, six, seven…Put me down for a five”


There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.



LEARNING EXPERIENCE

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you used these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”


Men are like Slinkies; not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


DR. DOOLITTLE OF THE RANGE

While riding the range one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding his horse along with his dog and sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: Look of shock

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at the Indian.

Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: Look of total disbelief

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: Extreme look of shock

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at the Indian.

Horse: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

Indian: Total look of utter amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep liar.”


When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” -Author Unknown


HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked

“Hunting flies,” he responded

“Oh, killing any?” She asked

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females”, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”


Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants.


CHOW MEAN

A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, “The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now, what does it mean to you?”

After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand.

“Yes, David,” the teacher said, “what does it mean?”

David replied, “It means that the Jews went without Chinese food for 1,067 years.”


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing. A young man walks by and asks him, “What seems to be the problem?”

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”

The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”


I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.


TELL IT TO THE I.N.S.

You read about all these terrorists. Many of them came here legally but stayed around after their visas expired, some for as long as ten to fifteen years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.


Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour.


A BLONDE, PERHAPS?

The company psychiatrist was interviewing a young woman as part of the interview process. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not going well for her.

The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to give her one last chance. He asked, “if you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

She quickly responded, “the living one.”


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


WHAT GENDER ARE THEY?

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female… Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it would’ve been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

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