Humor

Best New Jokes: August 16, 2004

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

THE COWBOY AND THE LESBIAN

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”


Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.


CAJUN FUNERAL

Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, “When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?”

Jacque said: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Fouché commented: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Boudreaux said: “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s movin!’ “


Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.


Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.


YOUR CHURCH IS A REDNECK CHURCH IF…

  • The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
  • People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.
  • A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t git out of.”
  • High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
  • People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


SENILITY: DEFINED

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”

“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”


Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.


TERRORIST-PROOF AIRLINE

The only Terrorist-Proof Airline in the business. We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons carried onto OUR FLIGHTS.

Yes, here at NAKED AIRLINES we care about SAFETY – AND IT SHOWS.


Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.


SIGNS

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.


ST. PETER’S WHEELS

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”

St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”

The guy replied, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to drive.”

The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive.”

A little while later, the two guys with the Mercedes and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked him what was wrong he tearfully said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”


Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.


SO YOU SAY YOU LIKE MAXINE. HERE’S MORE…

1. Maxine on “Driver Safety” – “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”

2. Maxine on “Life” – “Life is like an oven. It burns my buns.”

3. Maxine on “Housework” – “I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.”

4. Maxine on “Lawn Care” – “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”

5. Maxine on “Body Piercing” – “I’d get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head.”

6. Maxine on “the Perfect Man” – “All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”

7. Maxine on “Work” – “My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards.”

8. Maxine on “the Technology Revolution” – “My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”

9. Maxine on “Aging” – “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.”


Don’t never go huntin’ with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.


THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE(S)

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.


Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.


You can’t post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

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