Humor

Best New Jokes: August 13, 2012

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED


NOTE: This week’s joke page contains very valuable factiods for your continuing education.



ONE MORE ADVANTAGE OF THE “GOLDEN YEARS”!!!

My neighbour was out working in his yard, when he was startled by a late model car, that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn.

He rushed to help the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

“My goodness” he exclaimed:

“You appear quite elderly, to be driving!!”

“Well, yes I am!!” she replied proudly.

“I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a license anymore!!…

The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him.

He took his scissors out of his drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket.

“You won’t be needing this anymore!!” he said.

“So I thanked him and left!!..”


A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.



THE GOLD URINAL

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some
campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. “Just
think,’ he said, ‘when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.

But I wouldn’t have something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed
Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill:

“I found out who peed in your saxophone.”


Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.



ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

• His people would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”

• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”

• “He would argue with a signpost”

• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”

• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”

• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”

• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”

• “One neuron short of a synapse”

• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”


Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.



AMISH REPAIR

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee”, replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.”

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

“Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.


Accept that some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue.



THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things –

• The bartender is a blonde girl.

• The bouncer is a blonde gal.

• I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

• The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

• The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”


Never buy a car you can’t push.



HOW I SPENT MY VACATION WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

• We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

• They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

• They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

• There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

• At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

• My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

• Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

• My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

• When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn’t think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

“Why, Peter,” Jesus said. “You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need.”

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, “Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?”

“Well,” replied the man, “I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.”

“We would certainly love to have you,” said Jesus, “But we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?”

“Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,” said the man. “I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son,” he continued, “now he was special!”

With pride in his voice he said, “I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he’s known throughout the world and loved by all alike.”

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, “Father!”

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, “Pinocchio!”



When everything’s coming your way,
you may be in the wrong lane.



HEALTH NEWS

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.

They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.



THE FALL

Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.

“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”

“Jesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”

“I won’t be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”

“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”

“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



TRUE FANATIC

A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No, “he says. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you
find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor — to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”


The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It’s like a human jumping a football field.



A TRIFECTA OF BEST JOKES FOR THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER

WIN:


DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment): n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks): n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope): n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer): n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da): n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee): n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz): v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hardware store (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth): n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus….breathe…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik): n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens): n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae): n. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

4. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

5. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

8. There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

10. Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.


A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head,
before it starves to death.


SHOW:


$10 IS $10

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.


An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

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