Humor

Best New Jokes: April 7, 2003


BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong – Rodney Dangerfield

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf —


JACK NICKLAUS’ SECRET

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”

Nicklaus replied, “The holes are numbered”.


Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”



HOW I SAVED $583.27 BUYING MY DRUGS IN CANADA

Here’s the latest on buying your drugs by phone or Internet from legitimate, safe Canadian drugs stores and saving 50% to 90%. What’s happening on the legal front, recommended drug stores, and where to go and how to qualify for cheap and free drugs here in the US.


Sign on a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”


WHERE OH WHERE DID ALL MEN’S BRAIN CELLS GO?

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

”Hello?” she cried…but no answer. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer….

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

Then she heard a voice from far, far away … “Hello – we’re all down here….”


Sign on a plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



HOW WE MIGHT HAVE AVOIDED WAR

Think how different everything would have turned out if mothers had been sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender’s eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So… considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why did we send a bunch of old men to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, “Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?” And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She’d march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, “Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?” Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she’d lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He’d not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he’d cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole darn summer.


Sign on a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”


THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie, and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”

Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”


Sign in a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”


ALL ABOUT DOGS

”The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” -Anonymous

”Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers

”If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” – Will Rogers

”There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” – Ben Williams

”A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” – Josh Billings

”The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

”We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.” – M. Facklam

”If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” – James Thurber

”A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley

”I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” – Rita Rudner

”Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.” – Dave Barry

”And nobody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”- Franklin P. Jones

”If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.” – Unknown

”Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

”Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” – Anne Tyler

”Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A. Heinlein


Sign at an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”


AND ONE MORE ABOUT DOGS

“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” a little girl asked.

”No, I don’t think so. Fifi is in heat,” replied the mother.

”What does that mean?” asked the child.

Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said, “Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you.”

Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, “Bring Fifi over here.”

He took a rag, soaked with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear-end with it.

”Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

”Where is Fifi?” her father asked.

”She should be here in a minute,” advised the daughter. “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”


Sign in a Veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”


GONNA BE A BEAR NEXT TIME

In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.

When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping, and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.

You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.

He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup…gonna be a bear.


And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

TAGS

About

This top-ranked site now has over 4,000 pages of humor, nostalgia, senior advocacy and useful information for seniors 50+. Updates weekly!

The daily e-zine for everyone over 50 who feels way too young to be old.

"...the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keilor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion."

Retired.com

"Thousands look to and trust Suddenly Senior. Other Websites pale in comparison to the real-life, intimate look into senior lives. What sets apart Suddenly Senior is its blistering honesty and its incomparable encouragement. Millions need guidance."

Suzette Martinez Standring

"Best Senior Site ever on the Web! Great, up-to-date information on how seniors can save money on drugs. Wonderful nostalgia. Hard-hitting senior advocacy pieces that get read in high places. Wonderful humor. It's all at Suddenly Senior."

Alexa.com

KUDOS

Now read by 3.1 million in 83 newspapers from Florida's St. Petersburg Times to the Mumbai, India News.