Humor

Best New Jokes: April 24, 2005

BEST JOKES OF THE WEEK…GUARANTEED

WARNING: CONTAINS “OLDER” ADULT MATERIAL

Babe Kicking Feet

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her. 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” 

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.” 

 She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”


SIMPLE MATH

A businessman sent an email to his wife: “To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.

“After reading this email, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Motel. Please don’t be perturbed, I’ll be back home before midnight.”

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

“My dear husband. I received your email. Thank you for your honesty.

“I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

“As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18.

“Therefore I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow.”


FOREIGN CARS

A older lady was shopping in a supermarket when she noticed a handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure to go through his line, she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady.”

They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers “You know, I have an itchy pussy.”

To which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!”


SHAKIN’

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. 

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?“ 

She asks “What?“ 

He replies “SEX!“ 

Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!“

“I know,“ Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.” 

“Well, I can oblige,“ says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. 

They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood. 

Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood! 

Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?“ 

Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s.“ 


THERE’S A MORAL HERE

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She’s a dream!

The only problem is my mother-in-law to be. She’s a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. 

She was alone when I arrived.  As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly. I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra. Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that soon I was going to be married, and that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She went on to indicate that before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for at least three hours.

She said, I’ll go upstairs to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

I then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” 
 
MORAL: Always keep your condoms in your car.


ABSOLUTE BEST OFFER

A man entered a pharmacy and asked to speak with a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to explained that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help him with.

The man said that it was something he would feel more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, “This is difficult for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering if you could give me something for it?”

“Just a moment,” the pharmacist said, “I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “I’ve discussed it at length with my sister and the absolute best offer we can give you is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $2500 a month for living expenses.”


BUGGIN’ OUT

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”

She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked.

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.

“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.

“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards.”


PERFECT TIMING

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot called, “Lovers’ Lane.” He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?“

“What are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater!.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone in a car, at night in a lover’s lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

“What’s your age, young man?”

“I’m 25, sir.”

“And her. What’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”


LEST WE FORGET MONICA

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!” she exclaimed. “No,” said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.“

“Let’s see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want.

“I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that’s it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”

Poof! And just like that, her ears were gone!


SHH! THE SECRET TO GREAT SEX

Ole and Sven were having a conversation about sex.

Sven says, “Yes sir, I did it three time last night with a 30 year old.“

Ole replies, “You’re kidding, I can’t even manage to do it vonce anymore, vats your secret?“

Sven replies, “Vell, the secret is to eat lotsa whole wheat bread.“

Ole yumps up and rushes as fast as he can to the store. He tells the clerk, “I’d like four loaves of whole wheat bread.“

The clerk says, “Dats a lotta bread, It’ll probably get hard before yo’re done eating it all.”

Ole says,” Damn! Does everyone know about this but me?”


SENIOR PERSONALS

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s slim,
5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.


THIS WEEK’S SEXY BLOND JOKE

A blond was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback!”

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